


define (redefine)

by moorglade



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Asexual Awareness Week, Asexual John Sheppard, Asexual Rodney McKay, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 22:43:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5067430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moorglade/pseuds/moorglade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John had always known there was a word to describe him: <i>broken</i>.  Turns out he was looking in the wrong dictionary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	define (redefine)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [definir (redefinir)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6024505) by [Rosetta (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Rosetta)



“Well, it’s about time,” were the first words out of Rodney’s mouth when John was thrown back into the pitch dark cell. “I mean – that _is_ you, right?” 

“It’s me,” John said, feeling his nose gingerly and wondering if it was broken. 

“Of course it’s you,” Rodney said. “It’s not like I’m expecting anyone else. So are we getting out of here or what?” 

“Ronon and Teyla’ll come get us,” John said, deciding that his nose was no worse than battered. “So all we have to do is to sit tight for a couple of hours, and – ” 

“That’s easy for you to say,” said Rodney, as though he’d self-evidently had a worse afternoon than one largely composed of being hit in the face. “In case you happen to have forgotten, Sheppard, I’m _claustrophobic_. And being shut up in a dark underground hole for hours on end, with nothing to do except wonder if you were dead yet – ” 

“It’s not enclosed,” John said, before Rodney could spiral off into a full-fledged panic attack. “I don’t even think we’re underground. It’s just kinda dark. And – ” 

“There could be _anything_ in here with us,” Rodney said, reassuring as always. “We’ve probably been left here to die. Maybe this place is full of everyone who died before – ” 

“Will you just _breathe_ for one moment?” said John, shifting over in the general direction of Rodney’s voice. “We’ve not even been here a day yet. And I’m sure it wasn’t all that much fun sitting here in the dark, but no one’s _done_ anything to you. All we have to do is –” 

“Yet!” Rodney objected. “No one’s done anything to me _yet_ , and – wait a minute. What have they done to _you_? You’re injured, aren’t you? Why didn’t you _tell_ me, you moron? I can’t _see_ you! Do you need – ” 

“I’m fine,” John said, rolling his eyes even though Rodney couldn’t tell. “Just a bit – ow!” 

“Oh yes, that sounds like fine,” said Rodney, somehow managing to catch all of John’s fresh bruises. “I mean, you probably _are_ fine by the way _you_ define these things, because I assume you’ve still got all your original body parts, but – ” 

“I said, _I’m fine_ ,” John insisted, backing away from Rodney’s overly-concerned hands. “So I’ve got a few bruises, so what’s new? These people are amateurs, which is why as soon as Teyla and Ronon track us down we’ll be on our way back to Atlantis.” 

“You would tell me if you were seriously injured, right?” Rodney said after a moment. “Oh, who am I kidding, you’d probably sit there bleeding to death in silence rather than actually _talk_ about – ” 

“Drop it, McKay,” John ordered, pulling his knees up to his chest. He wasn’t lying about having nothing worse than bruises, but it was cold in the cell, and now that the adrenaline had worn off he was starting to shiver. “I’m not bleeding to death, and we – hey! What are you doing?” 

“Sharing body heat,” Rodney said, in what was about as close as he usually came to an apology. “I’m not exactly warm, and since if you have any body fat at all it’s under your fingernails…” 

“Okay,” John sighed, wincing as Rodney’s elbow bumped his painful ribs. But despite what he said Rodney _was_ warm, and after a minute or two John allowed himself to relax, leaning back against the wall and Rodney’s shoulder. 

“Just bruises, huh?” Rodney said eventually. 

“They haven’t got all that much creativity, I’ll admit,” John said. “But hey, no complaints here. I’ll settle for uncreative any time when it comes to a beating.” 

“So now what?” Rodney said. “And don’t tell me we just sit here until they come and work you over a second time. There’s got to be some way out of here.” 

“I’m open to brilliant plans,” said John. “But considering they took everything up to and including my _boots_ , I don’t think we’re going to dig our way out with our bare hands. Sitting here’s not so bad. And Teyla and – ” 

“Yes, yes,” Rodney interrupted. “Taking that as read. But there must be something we can do. It’s not like you to give up before – they _did_ do something to you, didn’t they? _What did they do_?” 

“I’m _fine_ ,” John said for the third and hopefully last time. He wasn’t, not really, but Rodney couldn’t see that his hands were shaking, and he wouldn’t feel it either so long as John kept them pressed flat against the ground. “They just asked me some questions, and then hit me when they didn’t like my answers. That’s it. So, you got any ideas on how we could break out of this place?” 

“ _Genius_ here, remember?” Rodney said, poking John in the head. “And I’ve heard you less rattled after getting fed on by a Wraith. So what did they want to know?” 

“About the gene,” John said, when it became clear that Rodney wasn’t going to give up or allow himself to be distracted. “That’s why they only took the two of us.” 

“And since you’re Colonel Supergene, that’s why they’re more interested in you,” Rodney supplied, sounding vaguely insulted. “Not that I’m complaining,” he added a second later. “I mean. Of course I didn’t mean. It’s not – ” 

“It’s probably for the best, under the circumstances,” John said, elbowing him in a friendly manner. “You being the, uh _, back-up_ gene carrier.” 

“Well,” Rodney said. “Yes. So what did they want your magic gene _for_ , anyway?” 

“The usual,” John said as casually as he could. “A bunch of Ancient gizmos lit up when we walked in, and – ” 

“When _you_ walked in, you mean,” Rodney countered. “Have you ever thought about walking into every strange building we find thinking _off off off_? Because I for one am getting a bit tired of being locked up just because some people can’t keep their overly-active genes to themselves – _what_? Could you just _tell_ me what’s wrong?” 

“ _Nothing_ ,” John growled, making a conscious effort to relax his muscles and cursing his friend for being concerned, tenacious, and apparently having no idea of when it might be a good idea to _just shut up_. 

“Fine, twenty questions it is, then,” Rodney said. “Though this would be a lot easier if you could get it through your head that I can’t even _begin_ to fix the problem without some data to work from.” 

“You don’t need to _fix anything_ ,” John said, yanking himself away from Rodney’s side and putting a couple of feet of empty air between them. “You want something to think about, give me some ideas about how we’re going to get out of here.” 

“I don’t think even you believe that _something_ isn’t wrong, Colonel,” Rodney said. “If you’re not going to tell me what they wanted from you, that’s okay. I’m a genius; I can figure it out for myself.” 

“Wait,” John said before he could stop himself. 

Rodney ignored him. “So they’re obviously not gene-carriers themselves, or what do they need us for? But they know what it _is_ , and what it _does_ , and they recognised that _you_ activated whatever it is they’ve got hidden away back there. So either they want to keep you around forever as a portable on-off switch, or they wanted you to – that’s it, isn’t it? That woman in the blue thing, the blue headdress, she wants your gene for the next generation, right? 

“It doesn’t matter what they want,” John said, his voice almost steady. “They’ve got nothing worth trading for. And no way are we even talking about terms with people who think kidnapping’s an acceptable start to negotiations.” 

“No, seriously, I saw the way she looked at you,” Rodney said. “Are you actually telling me you spent the afternoon getting a beating rather than with a woman who looked like _that_?” 

“She wanted to keep me until I’d fathered a whole nursery of gene-carriers!” John said, deciding that if he didn’t tell Rodney at least that much then the conversation would _never_ come to an end. “It was an automated defence system, the thing that lit up. They used to be able to work it themselves, but I guess they’ve not had anyone with a strong enough expression of the gene for a while. And of course I get how much they need it, so I offered them the gene therapy. But she wasn’t going to settle for anything other than a natural gene, _my_ gene, obtained however they could get it. Obviously that wasn’t acceptable. She thought she could change my mind. End of story.” 

“Did they knock you on the head or something?” Rodney asked. “Considering you’ve screwed your way round half the galaxy, you pick _now_ to start being choosy about who you go to bed with?” 

“Like _you’d_ have said yes!” John snapped. 

“Actually, for your information, I would have,” Rodney said. “It’s just sex. I sincerely doubt she was going to try and make you _talk about your feelings_. I’d call that better than, I don’t know, you getting your third beating this month and then us both being locked in a dark room to die. You think you could get over your scruples if they decide it’s my turn next for the thumbscrews?” 

John wanted to say yes. He really, _really_ wanted to say yes, so that Rodney would drop it, and they could go back to their usual bickering while waiting to be rescued. 

But he couldn’t. 

“Well, if that’s how important you consider my well-being to be,” Rodney began indignantly, as though the whole messed-up situation was entirely John’s fault. “If you think it’s okay for you to act like some sort of intergalactic playboy when it’s on your own terms, but when a woman _asks_ you to help protect her civilisation from the Wraith – ” 

“I’m not, okay?” John said, suddenly ready to admit almost anything just to get Rodney to _stop talking_. 

“You’re not what?” Rodney said. “Chaya? That woman in the time-dilation field? The blonde in the tower? That brunette with the huge, yet shapely – ” 

“I don’t care what you think,” John said, knowing even as he said it that that wasn’t true. “Whatever you think about me, _you weren’t there_. I was. And I’m telling you, _nothing happened._ You might think you know better, but you’d be wrong. And I’m not gonna let them start on you, but I don’t care how badly they beat me, I’m not doing it. Her. Whatever.” 

“Oh _please,_ ” Rodney said. “How old do you take me for, _five_? You seriously expect me to think you were playing chess with all of them? Believe me, I do not want to know the details of your sex life, but at the very least you could try and come up with an explanation that doesn’t insult my intelligence quite so obviously. Or, you know, you could _try_ telling me the truth.” 

“You want the truth?” John said, his whole body shaking with anger. “Fine, I’ll _give_ you the truth. I didn’t have sex with Chaya; I didn’t with _any_ of them. Because I haven’t. Ever. Had sex. And I don’t care if you believe me or not, and _I don’t care_ if you think I’m crazy, but funnily enough I’d prefer round two of being kicked in the face to letting her rape me. That _truthful_ enough for you?” 

There was a long silence, and John sagged back against the wall, suddenly cold again. He’d kept his secret hidden ever since he’d come to the Pegasus galaxy, but apparently all it had taken to get him to let it out were a few stupid bruises and Rodney’s big mouth. 

Eventually a hand touched his shoulder, very gently. “John, I… I don’t know what to say,” Rodney said quietly. 

“Don’t you _dare_ pity me,” John snarled at him. “So I’ve never had sex, so I’m never _gonna_ have sex, and you don’t – you don’t have a clue, you –” 

“Actually, I really think I might do,” Rodney said. 

“– you’ll never have a – a… what?” 

“I mean, I… obviously I owe you an apology,” Rodney said. “I’m sorry, okay? I thought you were – you always act like you’re – ” 

“Of course I do,” John said. “I don’t – I’m not _into_ that sort of thing, okay? Except it _isn’t_ okay, because – if you’re not into women, you’re into guys, right? Or you’re into both. Which is fine, if you’re a civilian. Only I’m not, and I’m not into _anyone_. But I can’t, I can’t afford people thinking – ” 

“No, I get it,” Rodney said. “There’s your career. And the last thing the rest of us need is for Caldwell to start a witch-hunt across the whole base just because he’s hoping to get rid of you for being gay. But answer me this, okay? Am I understanding you right, you’re not sexually attracted to people?” 

“As impossible as that sounds,” John said flatly. “It’s not like I haven’t had offers – _plenty_ of offers – and I could have taken them up, but… I didn’t _want_ to. I realise it’s not normal, I know there’s something wrong with me, but it’s not harming anyone else any more, so – ” 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, idiot,” Rodney said impatiently. “John, are you asexual?” 

“A sexual what?” John said blankly. 

“No, _asexual_. One word. Someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to others.” 

“There’s a _word_ for…?” John said, his voice cracking. “You mean, I’m not – that _other people_ – ” 

“ _Yes_ ,” Rodney said. “I can’t believe you didn’t even try to look it up on the Internet! I mean, yes, obviously that wasn’t possible until after it’d been – ” 

“ _Other people_?” John said. He told himself that it was just the cold, but he was shaking from head to toe, and even though Rodney was only touching John’s shoulder it was evidently strong enough for him to notice. 

“At least one per cent of the population don’t experience sexual attraction,” Rodney said, pushing his way into John’s personal space and wrapping an arm around him. “Well, the population of Earth, anyway. Some of them enjoy or are indifferent to having sex for various other reasons, but some are actively repulsed – ” 

“I like kissing sometimes,” John said numbly. “Kissing can be awesome when I’m in the mood for it. Only people always think it’s not enough, and they want more, and they want to _touch_ you, touch you _everywhere_ , and get naked together, and I – I can’t do _that_ , let alone – ” 

“That sounds like sex repulsion to me,” Rodney said. “I’ve got a bunch of resources on one of my laptops back home. When we get back I can show you, if you’d like?” 

“I – yeah,” John said, head reeling. “How do you know all this? I thought – I’m _thirty-nine years old_ , Rodney, and _I never knew_ – ” 

“Firstly, because I actually had the sense to do some _research_ , instead of walking around for the whole of my life thinking there was something _wrong_ with me, which can I just say? Is _so you_ – ” 

“ _McKay_ ,” John said warningly. 

“And secondly, because… well, I am too.” 

“You – what, you – you really – ” John said. “But you’ve – I _thought_ you’d – ” 

“You weren’t wrong,” Rodney said, patting John’s shoulder in a faintly patronising manner which was a welcome hint of normality. “I like sex, but… you know you’re supposed to lust after the people you’re attracted to, right?” 

“So I’ve heard,” John said awkwardly. 

“I didn’t,” Rodney said. “I don’t. But I’m a scientist, and experimenting’s what I _do_ , so I had to assume I was doing something wrong. Because I certainly wanted a relationship. So I went out with a bunch of different people until I managed to get into a relationship that lasted for more than one date, and then I actually had sex, and I liked it. I liked it a _lot_.” 

“I _really_ don’t wanna know the details,” John said hastily. 

“It’s, uh, it feels physically really good,” Rodney said. “But I still didn’t find people _sexy_. So I did some research, and came up with the word asexual. And, you know, there are times when I really want someone to rub my back. It doesn’t mean I walk around looking at everyone I ever meet as potential backrub-offerers, or thinking about having my back rubbed all the time. It’s just a thing I might do if the opportunity comes up; a physical sensation I really like. But hey, if I have sex with someone I love, and _I’m_ enjoying it because it feels good, and because I’m enjoying their pleasure in it, and _they’re_ enjoying it because they think I’m really sexy, well, everyone wins, right?” 

“I guess,” John said. “But if you’re not…” 

“If I’m not what?” 

“…How do you mean, love them?” John said eventually. “What do you want to date anyone _for_ , if you’re like – if you’re not – ” 

“There are different types of attraction,” Rodney explained. “Sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and so on, and I’m not going to go into all of them now just in case your brain actually implodes. There are a couple of thousand different ways you can love someone, _minimum_. Just because I’m not _sexually_ attracted to people doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship. I get attracted to people in various other ways _all the time_ , as you’ve probably noticed. And if I end up in a relationship with someone who wants it too, sex will probably be a thing we do sometimes, although I can live perfectly happily without it. But I don’t ever look at someone and think, wow, you’re so hot, I _really want to_ _have sex_ with you.” 

“I, uh, thought you did, for a while,” John said. “With me, I mean.” 

“You know I wouldn’t _ever_ try and push you into something you didn’t want, right?” Rodney said unhappily. “Even if I thought you were the sexiest person alive, which I don’t, because I don’t think of _anyone_ like that. Because it’s pretty obvious to anyone who knows you that the only people you can even stand touching you are me, Ronon and Teyla. And I know you too well, I know you’d decide it was some kind of idiotic sacrifice that you had to make for my sake, and okay, I know I disagree with your decisions all the time, but I’d like to think that I’m not the sort of person who – ” 

“You’re not,” John said, leaning into Rodney’s shoulder a bit more. “You wouldn’t. You _haven’t_. And in the end I figured you were okay with us just being… friends.” 

“It’s not a relationship hierarchy,” Rodney said. “There aren’t any actual rules that say the people you’re having sex with are more important than – wait a minute, weren’t you _married_? How did that work? Or don’t tell me if it’s all a bit TMI.” 

“I…” John said, wondering how to explain. “Everyone dates, right? _Everyone_. Everyone talks about women all the time, who they think is hot, what they’ve done. What they’d like to do. _Everyone_ does. So I just… pretended. I – I thought I was waiting for marriage. And I guess I didn’t even know that that was just an excuse. Because it had to happen sometime, right? I had to look at some woman, somewhere, or maybe some guy, and see what everyone else was seeing. And maybe if I was actually _in_ a relationship, it’d just happen, the way it was supposed to have done back when I was in high school.” 

“Yeah,” Rodney said softly. “Go on.” 

“She was… really pretty,” John said. “And kind. I’d just come back from a tour of duty. She thought it was, I don’t know, PTSD. She thought she could fix me. Only she couldn’t. I _married_ her, and it didn’t, it _still_ didn’t happen. And she wanted children. Then she met this guy. And it was easier to spend all my time flying missions than be there, _talking_ about it, still _pretending_ that I wasn’t – ” 

“You’re not broken,” Rodney said very seriously, his arm warm and reassuring around John. “Don’t ever think that, okay? You’re not abnormal. You don’t need fixing. You’re a whole person, who just doesn’t want sex. It doesn’t change the fact that you have friends who love and care about you, an entire city that lights up just for you, a job that you love and that you’re great at, that you save the galaxy every other week, that you – ” 

“Okay,” John said, only half-joking, “who are you, and what have you done with McKay?” 

It was really a rhetorical question, designed to let him get a little bit of emotional balance back. So it took him completely by surprise when the world suddenly spun on its axis, and a wave of blackness rose up behind his eyes to match the darkness in front of them. 

___ 

When John came round the first thing he was aware of was the throb of pain in his hands and knees. The second was the light, dazzling his eyes after such a long time in the dark, and the third was – 

“You alright, Sheppard?” Ronon said from somewhere above and behind him. 

_Oh yeah_ , John wanted to reply, _nothing going on here apart from the hallucinations_. Because obviously he was getting so desperate to convince himself he wasn’t broken that he’d dreamed up a heart-to-heart with Rodney. Which couldn’t say anything positive about him, or be a good sign either, when the last thing he could remember before the cell was… was… 

“Sure, buddy, I’m fine,” he said, rolling over and sitting up. And apparently he was out on one of the piers with Ronon, dressed as though they were in the middle of a run, and with no idea how he’d even got back to Atlantis. 

“You hit your head or something?” Ronon said. “I never saw anyone try and go down stairs without using their feet before.” 

“That explains the knees,” John muttered. “Uh, yeah, maybe I did a bit.” 

“Infirmary?” Ronon suggested, as though John’s _everything’s-fine_ act wasn’t fooling him for one moment. 

“No, I’m good,” John said, getting up heavily and leaning on the railing. The last thing he needed was someone poking and prodding at him while his head was full of the conversation he’d evidently imagined in the time it’d taken him to fall down a flight of steps. And it was crazy, really, because how could he have possibly have dreamed up something that sounded so _convincing_? John had had plenty of hallucinations in his time, but never one that had been both so argumentative and so reassuring. Unless he really _was_ just so anxious to pretend to himself that he wasn’t – 

“Guess you really do want out of this festival,” Ronon said, grinning suddenly. 

“Yeah, the festival,” John said, not prepared to admit that he didn’t have any idea what was going on. “Remind me again what this one’s all about?” 

“Athosian fertility rite,” Ronon said. “Sowing of the first grain, they call it. We’d have called it an orgy back home. McKay said you were getting cold feet about having to take part. You reckon the black eye is really going to put anyone off?” 

“I’m not taking part in an orgy,” John said easily. “You’ll have to go and be festive without me.” 

“I guess McKay was right,” Ronon said, leaning companionably on the rail beside him. “Teyla says you can choose your partners. Can just be women, if you don’t do guys.” 

“ _Teyla’s_ part of it?” John said, eyes wide. He was all too aware that everyone he knew, including his friends, might potentially be having sex. But it was one thing to think of them as theoretically interested in it, and quite another to hear that they’d signed up for an orgy. 

“She’s leading it,” Ronon said with a shrug. “That’s how it works. McKay’s alright with this, so what’s your problem?” 

“I don’t – I’m not interested,” John said. 

“It’s a festival; not meant to be interesting,” Ronon told him. “Teyla says it’s a celebration of life. At least there’ll be sex. It’s not going to lead to anything long-term.” 

“Yeah, that’s my problem right there,” John said, thinking of the hallucination. If he could tell Rodney, even if it was just in his imagination, he could tell Ronon. And maybe he’d understand that even if John _was_ broken, this was one thing he really couldn’t do. “The sex. I don’t do that.” 

“You telling me you’re a virgin, Sheppard?” Ronon said incredulously, and John felt himself flush until he was sure even his ears were bright red. 

“Yeah, actually,” he managed to choke out, keeping his eyes on a point several miles out to sea. 

“I could help with that, if you want?” Ronon offered kindly. 

“No!” John said, taking an involuntary step backwards. “…No. Sorry, buddy, it’s not, it’s – thanks for the offer and all, but I’m not gonna – it’s not that I won’t with guys, I – not with _anyone_ – ” 

“You don’t want to?” Ronon said, confused but apparently not offended. “That an Earth people thing?” 

“Don’t think so,” John said. “But I don’t want – I’m not gonna change, alright? Not ever, I won’t, not with _anyone_ – ” 

“I’ll tell Teyla she’s got to find someone else, then,” Ronon said, pulling John into an unexpected hug. “Doesn’t change anything that matters.” 

“It doesn’t?” John said, suddenly dizzy again, and the next thing he knew he was blacking out once more. 

___ 

“John? Are you still conscious?” 

“…Yeah,” John said, the words heavy and difficult in his mouth. “Teyla? What…?” 

“You were injured when the cave collapsed,” she said, brushing John’s hair back from his forehead in the darkness. “Ronon and Rodney have gone to fetch help, but I believe you are suffering from concussion.” 

“Oh,” John said intelligently. “You?” 

“I am unharmed,” she said quickly. “You stepped in front of us and were the only one to suffer injury.” 

“Don’t remember,” John said, trying to shift position. He tensed his muscles, but even that was too much movement, and he had to grit his teeth as a wave of pain shot through his body. “Banged up good, yeah?” 

“I have been trying to clear the rocks away from your legs without injuring you further,” Teyla said very gently. “But if you can feel pain in them, that is a good sign, is it not?” 

“Yeah,” John said, body still tensed up. “Yeah…” 

“You must try and remain awake,” Teyla said, squeezing his hand. “Help will soon be here, but until it arrives you must stay conscious.” 

“Talk to me,” John ordered, hanging on tightly to her fingers. It wasn’t the worst pain he’d ever been in, and to be honest it probably didn’t even make the top five, but that didn’t mean every breath he took wasn’t still sending shivery knives of agony through him. 

“Of course,” Teyla said. “What would you like to talk about?” 

“Don’t care,” John said. “Just keep me talking.” 

“…Ronon, Rodney and I have been wondering whether you are happy?” Teyla said after a moment’s pause. 

“What kind of question is _that_?” John said. 

“One I do not think you would even consider answering at any other time,” Teyla said. “The three of us have been concerned – ” 

“Have you been talking about me?” John demanded, horrified. He trusted his friends with his life, and with more than that, if he were honest, but he hated the idea of them _talking_ about him behind his back. 

“We have not needed to,” Teyla said. “Each of us has been concerned that you may be lonely.” 

“Why – ” John began, breaking off when the cave shook, sending a flurry of small stones bouncing painfully down on top of him. “Why’d you think that? Of course I’m not lonely, I’ve got you guys.” 

“Even Rodney has noticed that you have not pursued any intimate relationships in all the time since we came to know you.” 

“I don’t want one,” John said, as another tremor ran through the cave. “Look, this place could come down any minute. I want you to start back, meet up with the others, make sure they can find the way – ” 

“I am not leaving,” Teyla said calmly, and although John couldn’t see her face, he could picture her serene expression. 

“That’s an _order_ – ” he began, but her hand settled lightly on his hair again, cutting him off. 

“No, John, you are team, you are _family_ ,” she said. “No one gets left behind, you as much as any of us. Would you abandon me here if our positions were reversed?” 

“I don’t want a relationship,” John said, rather than admit that of course he’d never abandon his team, no matter what the circumstances. “I was married. It didn’t work. I’m – not the relationship kind. I’ve got friends, and I don’t need anything else.” 

“Was your marriage such an unpleasant experience, then?” Teyla asked. 

“I – it wasn’t her,” John said, gritting his teeth as the rocks pressing down on him suddenly shifted. “It was me.” 

“You were not happy?” Teyla asked, her voice warm and soothing. 

“I couldn’t make her happy,” John said eventually, finding it oddly easy to talk in the middle of darkness and pain, where his face couldn’t betray his feelings. “She wanted – I couldn’t be enough.” 

“Then she was certainly ill-suited to you,” Teyla said. “You are a good man, John, and one day you will find someone who will – ” 

“No,” John said, and maybe his injuries were worse than he suspected, because he was starting to feel hazy and light, as though instead of being trapped under a heap of rock he was floating up towards the sky. “She wanted kids. I couldn’t have sex with her. Pretty ironic, huh?” 

“You are… incapable, in some way?” Teyla asked, kind and clearly bewildered. 

“Too screwed-up in the head,” John said, and laughed a little, because the pain had begun to feel very far away indeed. 

“Ronon and Rodney will soon return, but you _must_ try to stay conscious, John,” Teyla said again, and John was dimly aware of her hands gripping his. “Tell me why you were unable to share your body with your wife.” 

“…Don’t like being touched,” John said, and winced as Teyla pulled back from him. “No – not you – that’s different – ” 

“In what way?” Teyla asked, stroking his hair again. 

“Gotta stop me flying away,” he said very seriously, and Teyla squeezed his hand firmly. 

“I need you to concentrate, John,” she said. “You need to keep talking. Tell me in what way it is different being touched by me.” 

“Or Rodney. Or Ronon,” John offered. “It’s not… you wouldn’t ever…” 

“Go on,” Teyla said encouragingly. 

“Not gonna want sex,” John said after a long moment. “So it’s okay. It’s safe. I trust you guys.” 

“John,” Teyla said, her voice alarmed. “Have you – has something happened to you, to – ” 

“No traumas,” John said. “Nothing. Just not put together right. I like kissing sometimes; _sometimes_ , but that’s never enough for anyone. And I don’t _ever_ want someone naked in _my bed_ , trying to touch me all over – ” 

“You have never been intimate with another person?” Teyla asked, but she didn’t sound disbelieving or scornful. She simply sounded calmly curious, the way she was when they compared the customs of two galaxies. 

“…No,” John said eventually. “There were a couple of times, but I – I couldn’t go through with it. You know how everyone looks at someone and says how hot they are? _People don’t look like that to me_. All I ever see is a person, and I don’t, I don’t want – ” 

“I think I understand now,” Teyla said, her voice thoughtful. “You have been touched by the Ancestors.” 

“Not been touched by anyone,” John said, confused and hazy. “Not like that. Didn’t even let people hug me until…” 

“Until you met us, and we did not ask,” Teyla said. 

“I…” John said, squeezing her hand, trying to say what he couldn’t put into words. The three of them were his _team_ , closer to him than any of the people he was related to had ever been, and there was almost nothing he wouldn’t give them if they asked for it. 

If they had _asked_ to touch him, if they’d wanted to sit down and talk it over first to make sure he was entirely okay with it, he was pretty sure he’d have said no. He knew from bitter experience that backing away before people could get the wrong idea was the only safe option for someone who never saw it coming. 

But they hadn’t asked. And with the three of them, even if it might only ever be just with the three of them, it was okay. It was safe. And it felt… good. 

“ _Friends_ ,” he said, his head swimming as the cave began to shake once more, an ominous cracking sound coming from the rocks around them. 

“Yes, _friends_ , for always – ” Teyla said, and then there was another wave of pain, and then – 

___ 

And then it was daylight, and John was on his feet in the middle of a village holding a small glowing sphere, and nothing hurt except for the place in his chest where he realised what had just happened. 

“Ah,” the man in the red robe said, taking the sphere and giving it to Teyla, then Ronon, then Rodney. 

It didn’t light up for any of them. 

“Okay, _what_ just happened?” Rodney demanded, but he didn’t sound as though he didn’t know, just that he was angry about it. “Were we _inside Sheppard’s head_ or something? And why was he _hurt_ all the time?” 

“The eyes of the temple guardians see what the heart cannot hide. There is no intention to cause harm, only to place the heart in a situation where it will speak nothing but truth. And you, and you, and you, have been judged worthy to pass the gates of the temple,” the man said, and John couldn’t help but turn his face away, guessing what was coming. “But your child must remain here.” 

“None of us is a child, Elder,” Teyla said, her voice low and just on the dangerous side of respectful. 

“Perhaps that is so on your world,” the man said. “But this is our world, and here the temple guardians judge by our ways, and not by yours. The temple is a place both sacred and perilous, and children are not permitted within. Despite his years, Colonel Sheppard is still a child as we reckon these things. The three of you are welcome to enter, but he must remain with us in the village. We will care for him, as we would any other child, until you return.” 

There was a long, awkward pause, and John suddenly realised that everyone was waiting for him to say something. None of them, he thought numbly, needed to ask _why_ he was going to have to stay behind. 

“Do it,” he said, his voice sounding strange even to his own ears. “Go check out the temple. I’ll just be, I’ll, I’ll just – ” 

There wasn’t any possible way for him to end the sentence, so after a moment he just walked away, and he didn’t turn round, not wanting to see his team’s faces. He wanted to hit something, or shoot something, or go ten rounds hand-to-hand with a Wraith, because it shouldn’t have been possible for it to hurt so much without a single wound anywhere on his body. 

But whatever he might have inadvertently revealed to the three people he cared about most, John knew what his duty was. It was only a hint in the Ancient database, but there was a chance that the temple contained a machine that made ZPMs. So all he could do was let the villagers _care for him_ until his team returned, because another ZPM or two could make the difference between life and death for everyone in Atlantis. And maybe he was too broken to ever love in the regular way, but John loved his city and the people who lived there. Only like a friend loved another friend, but that was the best, the only thing he had to offer. 

Several hours of walking in circles around the village later, John was jolted out of his thoughts by a shout from behind. 

“Wait!” Rodney wheezed. “Can you just stop running away before I _actually die of a heart attack_? We’re not all cut out to be long-distance runners, some of us are on this team for our _brains_ rather than our ability to do a four-minute mile – ” 

“Well?” John said, turning round and looking at something in the distance over Teyla’s left shoulder. 

“It’s an Ancient dishwasher,” Rodney said. “They probably have the cleanest dishes in the Pegasus galaxy, but somehow I don’t think it’s the game-changer you were looking for. How they jumped from that to a fertility cult is beyond me, and as for whoever translated that document and told us it was talking about ZPMs… Look, it’s not like we _care_!” And then John couldn’t help but look at him, because suddenly he needed to face the worst head on, so that it rushed over him too quickly for the pain to matter. 

“I don’t mean it like that!” Rodney said, his eyes widening at whatever he saw in John’s face. “Of course we care about _you_ , you idiot! But it doesn’t make any _difference_ to us –” 

“What I believe Rodney is _attempting_ to say,” Teyla said, shooting a glare sideways, “is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, John.” 

“Doesn’t change anything,” Ronon said. “You’re still family. Always will be. We’ll keep on telling you that until you listen.” And then he walked over and pulled John into a hug, just as he had in the vision, or the virtual reality, or whatever it had really been. 

John stood there, frozen. He allowed himself to be hugged, and he waited for the teasing, and the stupid questions, and worst of all, the _pity_. 

“ _Friends_ , John,” Teyla said, slipping her arms around him and Ronon. “I would no more ask you to change who you are than you would ask me to become as a woman of Earth. Being touched by the Ancestors is not a cause for shame. It simply means you have been set apart for another fate than to marry or to produce children. You will _always_ have a home and a family and a place with the three of us, and _nothing_ can, or will, ever change that.” 

“My turn,” Rodney said, putting a hand on John’s back. “They’re right: who’d have thought either of us would find a family _in the middle of another galaxy_ , but we _did_ , and I, uh, I meant what I said earlier. About the resources. And about me too. I’m – we really need to talk about this, when you’re ready, or I can talk and you can make facial expressions, which basically passes for you talking even at the best of times. And speaking of which, you don’t have to wait until you’re _literally in agony_ before you’re allowed to talk about what’s bothering you. Maybe we could come up with some sort of sign language just for the four of us, if you can’t bring yourself to ever actually say anything out loud, but… look, you’re _not_ broken and we all love you, alright?” 

“Yeah,” John said, face pressed into Ronon’s shoulder, his throat tight. “I – you guys – I – you know – ” 

“We _do_ know,” Teyla said, the hint of a chuckle in her voice. “And we know you too well to ask you to make any emotional declarations in return. At least until Rodney has invented this new language.” 

“Been a long time since I last had a proper family,” Ronon said, pulling Rodney into the hug too. It sounded as though he was having as much trouble getting the words out as John was, and suddenly everything was back to normal. They _all_ leant on each other. 

“We’re here for you, buddy,” John said, tightening his arms round Ronon’s back, and the four of them stood like that for a long time, just breathing. 


End file.
